Day 2

 For three seconds, as soon as I wake up (again at 4am), the world is normal and calm.  And then it remembers, rejects because it can't be true, and then really remembers.

I don't know when I'll be able to breathe again.  Or wake up normal and calm again.  I think about my kids - they're just starting out.  They'll never know a normal, calm America.  I truly do not think that is an exaggeration. I won't, for the rest of my life.  I'm only halfway through my life.  The stress of so much hypocrisy is going to wear me down so fast.  Maybe I'm much more than halfway then.  That's hard.

I went back to work today.  The first thing I did was systematically start deleting all my casual chats to work friends - starting from the most recent and going back.  I don't know why.  It just was what my brain wanted me to do.  Why did I think "yes. Erasing my voice and erasing my relationships. yes. that's going to feel good?"  I really can't explain it.  But it did feel good. Maybe it was like some existential itch - nothing matters anymore, I don't matter anymore, my words don't matter anymore, I don't trust anyone anymore, the internet will kill us all?  Again, I don't know.  But it's funny that I wanted to delete everything there - and I've needed to write everything here.  Trust issues I guess.  I'm safe at least.

I wonder how much longer I will write everything here.  I mean, because maybe someday I'll feel somewhat normaler and somewhat calmer and be somewhat happy and busy again and I won't need to.  But I also mean more seriously... I don't know how much longer I should make a footprint here on The Billionaires' internet.  That will be sad.  Because I'm bad at writing by hand now.  I can get so much more out typing.  Maybe I'll get a typewriter.  Maybe I'll type and type and print and print and collect boxes of loose-leaf papers of my thoughts.  Not that I think anyone will really want to read any of it - it just will be important to get them "out loud" somewhere, especially if I can't out loud them anywhere else.

And I liked connecting with people on the internet.  There's a lot of friends out there.  It will be sad to not have them anymore.

You know what would be so great.  It would be so, so great if I was wrong.

I'm not though. I remember where things were going.  How far they actually, incomprehensibly, went.

Paul said, as we sat in silence in our giant bathtub last night,, "I cared about helping the whole world yesterday and in a few hours, suddenly, everything has shrunk down to 20 people. That's my world now."

It's like what I said to my friend yesterday - I can control my house now.  That's as far as I've got.  And it's going to be our country.  And I'm going to make it very hard to get into the border.