Day 1

 I want to remember how I felt today - November 6, 2024.

I woke up at 4am, after staying up until midnight.  I had wanted to watch it all end.  I wanted to see the moment the idea of America ended.

And then I watched it again at 4am.  

I don't know when I've been more sad.  I believed in the idea of America - that's why I was critical when we made mistakes.  I believed the big moral arc really would bend towards justice though.  2016 shook me but I tried to believe it was apathy and a minority of hatred and bigotry - a perfect unlucky storm powered by outdated misogyny.  2020 started four years of a nervous rest.  And 2024 just proved what I was afraid was true 8 years ago.  American people are, in the majority, selfish and ignorant and sexist and racist and cruel, actually.  And I live here. With my children.

My second thought - how can I keep them safe?  

I don't know yet.  But what I imagine is that from here on out we are in a fascist/oligarchical state.  Russia in the 90s before the full crackdown.  My kids will become adults when that final phase happens.  How do I keep them kind and broad-thinkers and moral?  And safe.  I think will will learn to camouflage in plain sight - and live differently at home in secret.  Like I've read in so much history.  And we'll do that until we figure out a way to leave.  If we can.  I hope we can.  There will be so many others leaving that countries won't want us I think.  But two educated parents - and maybe we can bring some money to get in - maybe it will be enough.  Maybe we just make it secret for ten more years until they are grown and then give them the money to go.  It will be easier for them an single young men I think.  These are the things I have thought of today.

I haven't thought much about understanding the reasons why this happened.  That's pointless to me.  The reasons are all bad, illogical, and immoral.  I won't waste my time on them anymore. I've wasted ten years of my life on them.  And I'm tired.

More tired than I've ever been?

I took chocolate and shower steamers to a friend who had sinus surgery last week - the fourth and fifth days after that are scary and awful.  I was afraid today she would cry and I couldn't imagine how much worse that would make things.  I tried to give her a reason to not cry.  I don't know if it worked.

Another friend - maybe my oldest best friend - texted to see how I was.  Not many people did that, though I texted a lot of people first.  At 4am.  She asked if I wanted to meet up to try and process things together. At that moment, I couldn't imagine trying to talk about this with anyone.  Let alone a friend, who I love so much, but who I have had somewhat tense conversations with in the past as she would defend a religion's principles that I found indefensible...  And I was scared.  I couldn't risk anything more painful.  So I said maybe later.  That I couldn't right now.  That was true.  But only now am I thinking that maybe she needed someone more than I did...  I am sorry if that was true.  I am sorry about a lot of things today.

I took the laptop and the car and drove to a coffee shop in Provo.  At 4am I had the idea that today I would order coffee.   For the first time in my life.  It felt like something notable at 4am - like something that said, "I've tried for so long to be perfect so that you all would listen to me and see what is wrong and what is hurtful - but now I know it doesn't matter how perfect I am.  Perfect and moral is not what you actually care about.  You just care about loyalty.  And I can't promise unbounded loyalty to anything.  So I won't be perfect in pointless ways anymore."  So I was going to get a small cup of coffee and try it.  

When I got there, I sat in the car for a long time and read through responses from my 4am texts from around the country.  And I didn't really want coffee.  I didn't really want anything.  And I also had a new 9am thought - I'm done doing things in reaction to ignorant, awful people just to show them they don't control me.  I don't want to drink a bunch of caffeine.  I haven't my whole life because I didn't want to.  I won't let them change me now.

So I didn't get coffee.

But I was feeling stronger than I was at 6am.  And another friend hadn't left her bed and cried all morning - but had to get to work at 1pm.  So I drove to our coffee shop in between our houses, got her a coffee, and took it over.  She opened the door and we both cried for a long, long time together.  We're afraid of the same things, and different things.  We are safe for each other.  That's important.

I drove.  All the way around Utah Lake.  I flipped off every Trump sign I saw.  Just to feel anything.

And made it home.  Where I'm writing this, waiting for the kids.  I didn't work today.  I just....didn't.