Day 11

 It was good to be with old friends last night - another College Friendsgiving in the books.  

To be honest, I wasn't feeling too keen on it all day yesterday.  It seemed like a lot to ask of a super-melancholy introvert.  And I was afraid something would trigger me.  I don't know what.  I've been in the saddest of sads lately.

But it was good.  I was happy and surprised.  

I was...happy?  I know that, well, it feels like most people are somewhat normal now?  But I haven't been.  (obviously).  And I still don't know how to feel about feeling happy.

I should probably just be ok with it?  Like actively be happy about happy things?  I don't know.  Feels weird.

It snowed last night - first morning with snow on the ground here in the valley.  

It's a calm Saturday here - some yardwork, cleaning the house, reading books.

I still think about a lot of things.  And am angry and sad about a lot of things.  I'll probably write about them sometime.  I just don't want to right now.  Or maybe more...I don't feel like I have it in me right now.

Today I actually am feeling jealous of things.  Not even important things.  Like I wish I had a prettier house - that I had the time and money and eye for it to make a pretty house.  Or buy an already pretty house with all the furniture and art already there.  That would be the answer.  

Or I wish we were more prominent people in the world - that Paul was some high flyer at some top ten R-1 university and I was known for, I don't know, something else? and we were this popular power couple.  With a pretty house.  And I had nice skin and nice clothes and my kids were killing it in every thing they tried.  And we were just perfect.

Maybe if we were perfect I wouldn't feel sad?