Day 11

 It was good to be with old friends last night - another College Friendsgiving in the books.  

To be honest, I wasn't feeling too keen on it all day yesterday.  It seemed like a lot to ask of a super-melancholy introvert.  And I was afraid something would trigger me.  I don't know what.  I've been in the saddest of sads lately.

But it was good.  I was happy and surprised.  

I was...happy?  I know that, well, it feels like most people are somewhat normal now?  But I haven't been.  (obviously).  And I still don't know how to feel about feeling happy.

I should probably just be ok with it?  Like actively be happy about happy things?  I don't know.  Feels weird.

It snowed last night - first morning with snow on the ground here in the valley.  

It's a calm Saturday here - some yardwork, cleaning the house, reading books.

I still think about a lot of things.  And am angry and sad about a lot of things.  I'll probably write about them sometime.  I just don't want to right now.  Or maybe more...I don't feel like I have it in me right now.

Today I actually am feeling jealous of things.  Not even important things.  Like I wish I had a prettier house - that I had the time and money and eye for it to make a pretty house.  Or buy an already pretty house with all the furniture and art already there.  That would be the answer.  

Or I wish we were more prominent people in the world - that Paul was some high flyer at some top ten R-1 university and I was known for, I don't know, something else? and we were this popular power couple.  With a pretty house.  And I had nice skin and nice clothes and my kids were killing it in every thing they tried.  And we were just perfect.

Maybe if we were perfect I wouldn't feel sad?

Day 10

 You know...

I think, for me, it all started with my father-in-law in 2008.

That was the year this person became my father-in-law.  And also the year that I first heard someone loudly, with absolutely no concept of shame for it, tell a blatantly racist joke in my actual presence.  Surprise. It was my father-in-law.  Paul and I met it with stone-faced complete silence.  And he retreated.

It's also the year I saw my father-in-law post the following on Facebook with a laugh emoji:

"Every Democrat should be shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond."

And what I remember most vividly, tied with my obvious shock that my father-in-law was saying that he thought me and my entire family should be violently murdered, was that no one else in that in-law family did or said....anything.

I watched.  In person and online.  As so many awful things kept coming. Waiting to see how this sort of thing played out in this new social system I married into.  Surely they - the people of the family who actually have power over the culture of this space - they would call this insanity out.  Right?  Surely one of them would do something.  Because this was so shocking.  SO ridiculous.

They didn't.

And I definitely didn't.  Because my father-in-law thought it would be great or at least amusing if I was shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond, afterall.

At first, for years, I thought it was because maybe they were scared.  Like maybe there was an awful history of physical abuse or something there that my mother-in-law and her children were still threatened by.

But as people grew older and more independent, nothing changed.  And so I finally realized that actually what was happening here could only be one of two terrible things.  1) That they simply were apathetic to blatant racism or political violence or misogyny or anti-intellectualism and on and on ("It's not real unless it's hurting me directly").  or 2) That they agreed with it.

One day, when I was living very far away in Denmark, my father in law posted a particularly awful picture and note about how evil all Muslims were - probably something along the lines of shooting them in the head, point blank, as that seemed to be a favorite theme.  And I pushed back.  I replied, "Please don't post these hateful and untrue things.  They are wrong.  And they do very real damage to my friends who are Muslim."

And on my own timeline, in a final, sad desperation, I asked my connections what a person should do in a similar family situation.  Where they find themselves connected, legally in whatever way, to a person who has no concept of basic decency and also posts incredibly factually incorrect things?  (I got some great advice on that thread - most of which was "Be strong and stand up".)  I didn't even say who I was talking about.  Just "family."

But what I remember the most was that within ten minutes of posting it, my mother-in-law called me internationally.  And she was irate.  And she said, "How dare you disparage the patriarch of this family?"  And on and on.

I'll never forget that.  That that was what she stood up immediately to defend.  And never against any of the other, terrible, gross things.

And that's when I knew how much it was about appearances and "winning" against "them" and loyalty.  And never about doing the right thing.

I'd hoped, in 2012 when I got that call, that it was a strange, strange phenomenon that was limited to my in-laws incomprehensible ethical code.  Had to be.

And then we moved back in 2015.  And then Nov 2016 happened.  And I knew that it had spread.  Or was there all along.  Still not sure about that.

I blocked my in-laws from social media in 2012.  I don't think they saw that as a punishment at all - just me being "mean" if anything.  But it was actually just so I could stand to be in the same room as them because I wouldn't know what they passively approved or, in the case of my father-in-law, what he very actively approved.  I could try to just see them as, almost like strangers in a cafe or something.  And I could talk about the weather or ...just the weather.  And get through it.

Sometimes I daydream though about me being the one to stand up to it all.  It never ends well in my head - we're always shouted down or driven out. Sometimes it's a nightmare and my father-in-law pulls out a gun in the middle of the living room.  I remember the one time in 2012 I tried so unbelievably mildly to push back, and I remember what happened so immediately it was breathtaking.  

Maybe I daydream because deep down I want us all to finally be driven out.  And for them to know they did it?

And all of this is from my side.  You can't imagine the complexity of this all from Paul's.  He's torn apart.  I don't think they really notice or care.  Or if they do, they certainly don't want to examine how they might be doing it.  It's only his doing, of course.  The intellectual.  Who married a moderate-turned-democrat.  It's so uncomfortable to be around us.

Why don't we hurry up and get shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond already?

Day 9

 

This is the energy I brought to work today: Chidi and the chili. 

"The true meaning of life?  The actual ethical system that you all should follow?  IS NIHILISM!  The world is EMPTY.  There is no point to ANYTHING.  And you're just gonna DIE! So DO WHATEVER! ... You all get A's or F's.  And there is no test and you all failed it and you all got A's.  Who cares?"

But tell you what?  I had a better day than my PUBLIC HEALTH PhD SISTER AT JOHNS HOPKINS RIGHT NOW.  Because today was perhaps one of the stupidest days in public health history.

Today?  Hm.  Today I felt like I was just Abiding like The Dude with a bucket of popcorn, sitting out on my front porch, casually watching the world burn.  Just passively watching it all fall apart.  Not sad or mad.  Just realizing how stupid the end of all of this is going to be. 

"And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence.  And YOU ALL can jump. up. your own. butts."

Day 8

 I think I'm cosmically, irreparably broken. 

Day 7

 I guess we have to keep living life?

In our little 20-person circles?

More and more people seem to be crawling out from their safe hiding places and tentatively checking in on everyone else.  We're all so worried and sad.  I'm mad.

And everything that's going to happen is going to happen to us all now.  And I'm going to blame every single bit of it on the people who were awful - even the stupid ones.  I don't have any patience for willful ignorance.  I'm mad that the ignorance was SO LOUD and now we're all going to have to deal with it.

When it was going to be so easy to not have to deal with it. Why are people so easily conned?  I truly do not understand.  

So I guess where I'm at now is the anger phase?

And still planning planning planning.  We watched Inside Out 2 on Friday - looking for something to distract us.  I'm 100% being driven by the anxiety character - trying to keep me safe from possible bad futures.  So I spin and spin in my plans.

I made cookies today.  I planned a party for Hadrian.  Working was...difficult.  I felt adrift.  I went to lunch with my friend Melissa.  She is amazing.  She designs and makes leather goods - these gorgeously proportioned bags and kits and covers and sacks.  I don't know how she can get the idea and then make that idea with her own hands.  

We talked about the end of America and how to get her designs for sale at the ski resorts.  This is life in Nov 2024.

Day 2

 For three seconds, as soon as I wake up (again at 4am), the world is normal and calm.  And then it remembers, rejects because it can't be true, and then really remembers.

I don't know when I'll be able to breathe again.  Or wake up normal and calm again.  I think about my kids - they're just starting out.  They'll never know a normal, calm America.  I truly do not think that is an exaggeration. I won't, for the rest of my life.  I'm only halfway through my life.  The stress of so much hypocrisy is going to wear me down so fast.  Maybe I'm much more than halfway then.  That's hard.

I went back to work today.  The first thing I did was systematically start deleting all my casual chats to work friends - starting from the most recent and going back.  I don't know why.  It just was what my brain wanted me to do.  Why did I think "yes. Erasing my voice and erasing my relationships. yes. that's going to feel good?"  I really can't explain it.  But it did feel good. Maybe it was like some existential itch - nothing matters anymore, I don't matter anymore, my words don't matter anymore, I don't trust anyone anymore, the internet will kill us all?  Again, I don't know.  But it's funny that I wanted to delete everything there - and I've needed to write everything here.  Trust issues I guess.  I'm safe at least.

I wonder how much longer I will write everything here.  I mean, because maybe someday I'll feel somewhat normaler and somewhat calmer and be somewhat happy and busy again and I won't need to.  But I also mean more seriously... I don't know how much longer I should make a footprint here on The Billionaires' internet.  That will be sad.  Because I'm bad at writing by hand now.  I can get so much more out typing.  Maybe I'll get a typewriter.  Maybe I'll type and type and print and print and collect boxes of loose-leaf papers of my thoughts.  Not that I think anyone will really want to read any of it - it just will be important to get them "out loud" somewhere, especially if I can't out loud them anywhere else.

And I liked connecting with people on the internet.  There's a lot of friends out there.  It will be sad to not have them anymore.

You know what would be so great.  It would be so, so great if I was wrong.

I'm not though. I remember where things were going.  How far they actually, incomprehensibly, went.

Paul said, as we sat in silence in our giant bathtub last night,, "I cared about helping the whole world yesterday and in a few hours, suddenly, everything has shrunk down to 20 people. That's my world now."

It's like what I said to my friend yesterday - I can control my house now.  That's as far as I've got.  And it's going to be our country.  And I'm going to make it very hard to get into the border. 

Day 1

 I want to remember how I felt today - November 6, 2024.

I woke up at 4am, after staying up until midnight.  I had wanted to watch it all end.  I wanted to see the moment the idea of America ended.

And then I watched it again at 4am.  

I don't know when I've been more sad.  I believed in the idea of America - that's why I was critical when we made mistakes.  I believed the big moral arc really would bend towards justice though.  2016 shook me but I tried to believe it was apathy and a minority of hatred and bigotry - a perfect unlucky storm powered by outdated misogyny.  2020 started four years of a nervous rest.  And 2024 just proved what I was afraid was true 8 years ago.  American people are, in the majority, selfish and ignorant and sexist and racist and cruel, actually.  And I live here. With my children.

My second thought - how can I keep them safe?  

I don't know yet.  But what I imagine is that from here on out we are in a fascist/oligarchical state.  Russia in the 90s before the full crackdown.  My kids will become adults when that final phase happens.  How do I keep them kind and broad-thinkers and moral?  And safe.  I think will will learn to camouflage in plain sight - and live differently at home in secret.  Like I've read in so much history.  And we'll do that until we figure out a way to leave.  If we can.  I hope we can.  There will be so many others leaving that countries won't want us I think.  But two educated parents - and maybe we can bring some money to get in - maybe it will be enough.  Maybe we just make it secret for ten more years until they are grown and then give them the money to go.  It will be easier for them an single young men I think.  These are the things I have thought of today.

I haven't thought much about understanding the reasons why this happened.  That's pointless to me.  The reasons are all bad, illogical, and immoral.  I won't waste my time on them anymore. I've wasted ten years of my life on them.  And I'm tired.

More tired than I've ever been?

I took chocolate and shower steamers to a friend who had sinus surgery last week - the fourth and fifth days after that are scary and awful.  I was afraid today she would cry and I couldn't imagine how much worse that would make things.  I tried to give her a reason to not cry.  I don't know if it worked.

Another friend - maybe my oldest best friend - texted to see how I was.  Not many people did that, though I texted a lot of people first.  At 4am.  She asked if I wanted to meet up to try and process things together. At that moment, I couldn't imagine trying to talk about this with anyone.  Let alone a friend, who I love so much, but who I have had somewhat tense conversations with in the past as she would defend a religion's principles that I found indefensible...  And I was scared.  I couldn't risk anything more painful.  So I said maybe later.  That I couldn't right now.  That was true.  But only now am I thinking that maybe she needed someone more than I did...  I am sorry if that was true.  I am sorry about a lot of things today.

I took the laptop and the car and drove to a coffee shop in Provo.  At 4am I had the idea that today I would order coffee.   For the first time in my life.  It felt like something notable at 4am - like something that said, "I've tried for so long to be perfect so that you all would listen to me and see what is wrong and what is hurtful - but now I know it doesn't matter how perfect I am.  Perfect and moral is not what you actually care about.  You just care about loyalty.  And I can't promise unbounded loyalty to anything.  So I won't be perfect in pointless ways anymore."  So I was going to get a small cup of coffee and try it.  

When I got there, I sat in the car for a long time and read through responses from my 4am texts from around the country.  And I didn't really want coffee.  I didn't really want anything.  And I also had a new 9am thought - I'm done doing things in reaction to ignorant, awful people just to show them they don't control me.  I don't want to drink a bunch of caffeine.  I haven't my whole life because I didn't want to.  I won't let them change me now.

So I didn't get coffee.

But I was feeling stronger than I was at 6am.  And another friend hadn't left her bed and cried all morning - but had to get to work at 1pm.  So I drove to our coffee shop in between our houses, got her a coffee, and took it over.  She opened the door and we both cried for a long, long time together.  We're afraid of the same things, and different things.  We are safe for each other.  That's important.

I drove.  All the way around Utah Lake.  I flipped off every Trump sign I saw.  Just to feel anything.

And made it home.  Where I'm writing this, waiting for the kids.  I didn't work today.  I just....didn't. 

Decades

 Been thinking about decades this week.  And it's 9pm and I'm tired of looking at screens all day, so it's going to be short.  But I want to put this down somewhere.

I feel like my decades have so far had themes.

1-10: Kid Life

10-20: Achievement-oriented

20-30: Adventures and Self-discovery

30-40: Building Family Foundations (aka The Childcare Era)

And I'm trying to think of what my 40-50 will or should be.  I think I want it to be something like "Transitions"?  

The end of this decade will be the end of my main parenting "life" and I'll have to transition in some big ways.   I'll have to transition away from being the center of my kids' lives and transition them into being capable individuals.  I'll have to transition back into being just a couple at home instead of a family and all the emotional rollercoasters that will likely bring.  And transition fully into "middle age."   I also need to transition and figure out how to navigate private sector career life as an "older woman" -- which is actually proving to be really, really hard. 

I think....I think what the big issue is is that I'll have to transition into an unknown life when so much of my life until now was entirely or mostly pre-scripted.  And that's kind of scary and kind of exciting....but mostly scary.

Maybe it's "Transition into Possibilities"  or  "Acceptance of Unknowns"?  

Still workshopping...  I wonder what I'll see this decade as when I'm on the other side of it.  I hope I get there.