Wednesday, November 20, 2024

Day 15

 Welcome to Despair Blog!

You can assume that if I'm not writing it's because:

1) I'm paralyzed by sadness, or,

2) I'm paralyzed by having too many big, complicated things to say and I don't have the time or energy to say them.

Or, I guess, 3) I'm manically distracting myself with other things.  

November 2024 has seen me spreading the good word of this little book:



On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century
Timonty Snyder

It's actually been a very useful way to figure out where I can stand with people going forward.  If they react with interest or curiosity or any question at all - which is the normal way a person should act when a book is recommended to them - then they are on a safe list.  If they react with complete and utter silence then INSTANT UNSAFE.

I saw someone say somewhere (welcome to the internet age) that "this time" they weren't going to try and "have conversations" or defend their ideas or ask questions to "try to understand why someone would vote for that man" - no.  This time, they were just going to simply disappear from that person's life.  That "that person will simply never hear from me again."

This is the place I'm at now.  I'm not going to try and explain things anymore or be a "listening ear."  Nah.   We're at Peeps Chili Levels of caring about that path - I'll never understand those people, that's true, but I've come to understand that they defy understanding on purpose.  So, I just simply...leave the conversation.  I don't have time or energy for INSTANT UNSAFES anymore.  Also they are, as you may have noticed in my CAPS LOCK WORDS....unsafe.

Anyyyyywayyyyyyyyyyyy, this book is very good.  And very short.  You won't have to wade through a detailed history tome.  It's practical and clear.  That's what I've needed this month.  Straight, logical, obvious.  With history examples to illustrate it all.  Buy it for your friends.  Great stocking stuffer.  Throw it on your MAGA Neighbors' porches like an ol' timey newspaper boy (those were the days).  It's like $10 or something in paperback.  I read it in one night and then again the next day.  I don't know what else to say to sell this book to you whoever you are.

Saturday, November 16, 2024

Day 11

 It was good to be with old friends last night - another College Friendsgiving in the books.  

To be honest, I wasn't feeling too keen on it all day yesterday.  It seemed like a lot to ask of a super-melancholy introvert.  And I was afraid something would trigger me.  I don't know what.  I've been in the saddest of sads lately.

But it was good.  I was happy and surprised.  

I was...happy?  I know that, well, it feels like most people are somewhat normal now?  But I haven't been.  (obviously).  And I still don't know how to feel about feeling happy.

I should probably just be ok with it?  Like actively be happy about happy things?  I don't know.  Feels weird.

It snowed last night - first morning with snow on the ground here in the valley.  

It's a calm Saturday here - some yardwork, cleaning the house, reading books.

I still think about a lot of things.  And am angry and sad about a lot of things.  I'll probably write about them sometime.  I just don't want to right now.  Or maybe more...I don't feel like I have it in me right now.

Today I actually am feeling jealous of things.  Not even important things.  Like I wish I had a prettier house - that I had the time and money and eye for it to make a pretty house.  Or buy an already pretty house with all the furniture and art already there.  That would be the answer.  

Or I wish we were more prominent people in the world - that Paul was some high flyer at some top ten R-1 university and I was known for, I don't know, something else? and we were this popular power couple.  With a pretty house.  And I had nice skin and nice clothes and my kids were killing it in every thing they tried.  And we were just perfect.

Maybe if we were perfect I wouldn't feel sad?

Friday, November 15, 2024

Day 10

 You know...

I think, for me, it all started with my father-in-law in 2008.

That was the year this person became my father-in-law.  And also the year that I first heard someone loudly, with absolutely no concept of shame for it, tell a blatantly racist joke in my actual presence.  Surprise. It was my father-in-law.  Paul and I met it with stone-faced complete silence.  And he retreated.

It's also the year I saw my father-in-law post the following on Facebook with a laugh emoji:

"Every Democrat should be shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond."

And what I remember most vividly, tied with my obvious shock that my father-in-law was saying that he thought me and my entire family should be violently murdered, was that no one else in that in-law family did or said....anything.

I watched.  In person and online.  As so many awful things kept coming. Waiting to see how this sort of thing played out in this new social system I married into.  Surely they - the people of the family who actually have power over the culture of this space - they would call this insanity out.  Right?  Surely one of them would do something.  Because this was so shocking.  SO ridiculous.

They didn't.

And I definitely didn't.  Because my father-in-law thought it would be great or at least amusing if I was shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond, afterall.

At first, for years, I thought it was because maybe they were scared.  Like maybe there was an awful history of physical abuse or something there that my mother-in-law and her children were still threatened by.

But as people grew older and more independent, nothing changed.  And so I finally realized that actually what was happening here could only be one of two terrible things.  1) That they simply were apathetic to blatant racism or political violence or misogyny or anti-intellectualism and on and on ("It's not real unless it's hurting me directly").  or 2) That they agreed with it.

One day, when I was living very far away in Denmark, my father in law posted a particularly awful picture and note about how evil all Muslims were - probably something along the lines of shooting them in the head, point blank, as that seemed to be a favorite theme.  And I pushed back.  I replied, "Please don't post these hateful and untrue things.  They are wrong.  And they do very real damage to my friends who are Muslim."

And on my own timeline, in a final, sad desperation, I asked my connections what a person should do in a similar family situation.  Where they find themselves connected, legally in whatever way, to a person who has no concept of basic decency and also posts incredibly factually incorrect things?  (I got some great advice on that thread - most of which was "Be strong and stand up".)  I didn't even say who I was talking about.  Just "family."

But what I remember the most was that within ten minutes of posting it, my mother-in-law called me internationally.  And she was irate.  And she said, "How dare you disparage the patriarch of this family?"  And on and on.

I'll never forget that.  That that was what she stood up immediately to defend.  And never against any of the other, terrible, gross things.

And that's when I knew how much it was about appearances and "winning" against "them" and loyalty.  And never about doing the right thing.

I'd hoped, in 2012 when I got that call, that it was a strange, strange phenomenon that was limited to my in-laws incomprehensible ethical code.  Had to be.

And then we moved back in 2015.  And then Nov 2016 happened.  And I knew that it had spread.  Or was there all along.  Still not sure about that.

I blocked my in-laws from social media in 2012.  I don't think they saw that as a punishment at all - just me being "mean" if anything.  But it was actually just so I could stand to be in the same room as them because I wouldn't know what they passively approved or, in the case of my father-in-law, what he very actively approved.  I could try to just see them as, almost like strangers in a cafe or something.  And I could talk about the weather or ...just the weather.  And get through it.

Sometimes I daydream though about me being the one to stand up to it all.  It never ends well in my head - we're always shouted down or driven out. Sometimes it's a nightmare and my father-in-law pulls out a gun in the middle of the living room.  I remember the one time in 2012 I tried so unbelievably mildly to push back, and I remember what happened so immediately it was breathtaking.  

Maybe I daydream because deep down I want us all to finally be driven out.  And for them to know they did it?

And all of this is from my side.  You can't imagine the complexity of this all from Paul's.  He's torn apart.  I don't think they really notice or care.  Or if they do, they certainly don't want to examine how they might be doing it.  It's only his doing, of course.  The intellectual.  Who married a moderate-turned-democrat.  It's so uncomfortable to be around us.

Why don't we hurry up and get shot in the head, point blank, and drowned in a shallow, muddy pond already?

Thursday, November 14, 2024

Day 9

 


This is the energy I brought to work today: Chidi and the chili

"The true meaning of life?  The actual ethical system that you all should follow?  IS NIHILISM!  The world is EMPTY.  There is no point to ANYTHING.  And you're just gonna DIE! So DO WHATEVER! ... You all get A's or F's.  And there is no test and you all failed it and you all got A's.  Who cares?"

But tell you what?  I had a better day than my PUBLIC HEALTH PhD SISTER AT JOHNS HOPKINS RIGHT NOW.  Because today was perhaps one of the stupidest days in public health history.

Today?  Hm.  Today I felt like I was just Abiding like The Dude with a bucket of popcorn, sitting out on my front porch, casually watching the world burn.  Just passively watching it all fall apart.  Not sad or mad.  Just realizing how stupid the end of all of this is going to be. 

"And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence.  And YOU ALL can jump. up. your own. butts."

Wednesday, November 13, 2024

Day 8

 I think I'm cosmically, irreparably broken. 

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